Trying to fit in to the perfect space…

Tag Archives: Kathy Escobar

I started teaching myself to crochet this past fall.  I wanted to learn something crafty that didn’t involve a lot of money or tools, something I could do sitting on my couch if I felt like it.  I started out making a scarf and, well, it was pretty rough.  I got about halfway done (about 2 weeks of working on it, here and there) and it looked like I’d been drunk when I made it.  While I don’t consider myself a perfectionist, I was definitely not pleased.  But I was almost done!  And I’d been stitching away at it diligently for 2 weeks, I didn’t want to just start over!  I kept adding stitches here and there, trying to make it work, but at the end of one night, as I sat and looked at this wreck of yarn, I just started unraveling it.  Just pulled at the loose end and before I knew it I had a ball of wiggly, tired looking yarn on my lap and thought “Well, here’s where we start over.”

I recently read “Faith Shift” by Kathy Escobar.  It’s about going through changes in your beliefs…major changes where it feels like the whole world is collapsing beneath you.  The last 5 or so years of my life has been a time of huge shifting in my faith, and while it has been uncomfortable and messy, it has also been incredibly freeing and a bit of a relief to let go of so many things.  While I have often felt alone, reading books like Kathy’s along with other blogs, articles and posts have helped me feel less alone and less crazy.  When no one in your life is going through something remotely similar, you need all the lifelines you can find.  She uses the term “unraveling” quite a bit in the book, and as I thought about my crocheting, the analogy really fit.

Like my scarf, my faith was something I’d been working on my whole life, even as a child, even before (as the evangelical world would put it) I got “saved” or “born again.”  I pieced together all these things, trying to make a faith that fit.  I took things from many different traditions and denominations, from people who I looked up to and admired, added them all in to try and make something that would surround and protect me, to help me make it through this life somewhat unscathed.  I was very fearful as a child, and I think I have always been looking for some way out of that fear, to wall me off from the fear of pain, loss, failure, rejection, isolation, from a God that seemed rather capricious and untrustworthy.  So I knit together this faith and it sort of worked.  It kept me warm at times.  It gave me some warm fuzzy feelings and I sometimes felt like I fit in, like God was pleased with me, like I was getting it “right.”

But I couldn’t help noticing that, like an uncomfortable sweater, my faith never quite fit.  It was too tight in some places, too loose in others.  I was really having to work hard to make it fit.  Additionally, it wasn’t keeping the fear out…I’d actually knit that fear right in there along with all the other beliefs, like a black thread that colored everything around it, it was kind of choking me right along with those things, those beliefs that I couldn’t quite make fit comfortably.  Life started happening, and there were nicks and tears in my faith, whole chunks started to go missing.  I kept pulling at those loose threads, adding new stitches, trying to make it right until eventually I was just left with a pile of loose ends, wiggly, wobbly, worn threads that sat in a sad little heap at my side.  And I felt naked and vulnerable and alone.

That’s kind of where I sit right now actually, although I will say alongside of the vulnerable and alone I also feel so much freedom.  Sometimes it’s a terrifying kind of freedom.  I have no idea what to do next or how I’m going to make sense of the beliefs that I have cast off.  Right now I feel like only thing I can say with any confidence is that I still believe in a God. (and trust me, there were days I wasn’t even sure of that!)  The fear is still right there with me, but I am hell-bent on NOT bringing it along for the rest of this ride.  It’s a sneaky bastard though and it keeps trying to weave its way in there.  I have to keep ripping it out.

I started that scarf over again and was much happier with the final result.  It is far from perfect; I’m sure my friends who crochet would smile and pat me on the head condescendingly if they looked closely at it.  But it keeps me warm when I wear it, and it has a shiny purple thread running through it that sparkles when the sun hits it.  And I made it.  I think it’s beautiful.  I have no idea what my faith will look like as I move through the days and years ahead.  I imagine I’ll knit something and then pull it all to pieces many more times.  But I finally am coming to accept (sort of kind of most of the time when it’s sunny out) that this is ok, and that the end result is not some perfect, impenetrable shield against life and the world.  But something pretty, sparkly (LOVE is the sparkle, people) that brings a tentative, sometimes shaky beauty and warmth to the person wearing it and those they come in contact with.

And with that I’ll stop before I take this metaphor too far 🙂


Candle-Burning-Safety

Today is the first day of Advent…the Christian period of waiting and anticipating the celebration of the birth of Christ.  As a person who grew up Catholic and later Protestant, it was always pretty central to my celebrations of Christmas in the past.  As a person who is moving away from the much of the Christian tradition and has not attended church much at all over the past several years, I wasn’t sure how I wanted to mark the season, both as a family and an individual.  There was a part of me that wanted to attend church this month between Thanksgiving and Christmas…and a bigger part of me that did not.  I spent my advent morning not in a church pew singing carols but on an exhilarating 6 mile run with the likes of Tupac, Beastie Boys and Midnight Oil as my “worship” leaders.  Still…there is a part of me, the part that longs for mystery and magic, for beauty that goes beyond gift giving and Christmas lights.  Throughout this season of faith shifting (thank you Kathy Escobar!) there has also been a part of me worried about how my changing faith is affecting my children.   It is why I sometimes want to go to church–and also why I often do NOT want to go to church.  While I don’t want them to inherit my spiritual hangups, I also don’t want them exposed to the very things I no longer believe in.  At the same time I do want them to see Christmas as more than just gifts for them and fun times at home and at school.

I was reading Rachel Held Evans’ blog post about Advent ideas this morning and had an epiphany–and I think it just may work for any family who wants to bring more into the Christmas season than just gifts, even if they are not religious at all.  I think you could tailor the activities described below however you wanted to.  Here’s a description of my not-churchy-advent-observation that I plan on trying out this season.  I’ll let you know how it goes…and I hope maybe it will inspire others of you too, particularly other faith shifters like me.

First:  I’m going to run to the store this afternoon and pick up 5 candles.  I think I’ll use all white, but you can certainly choose whatever you’d like.  I looked on Pinterest for some ideas for advent wreaths.  I’m going to get some sort of greenery or something to place around them (I’ll post a photo after I’ve created it) and cluster them in a large dish.  I may make the 5th candle smaller or a different color, I’ll see what inspires me at the store.

One day each week and then on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning (I’m going to try for Sunday evenings, but also allow for real life, to be flexible) we’ll sit down as a family, we’ll start with one candle the first week, 2 the second, etc.  Each candle will represent something that we will talk about, listen to some music about, and then try to come up with a concrete idea for how to implement that in the week ahead.  The concepts are:

Week 1: HOPE

Things to discuss:

  • What does hope mean? (actual definition)
  • What’s the difference between hope and hopelessness?  Why might someone feel hopeless?
  • Who in our lives or in the world might need hope?  (I still believe in prayer, so we will probably pick some people to pray for in this area)
  • How can we share hope in our family, in the world around us?

We will light the candle (giving each kid a turn) and then listen to a song that is about hope. My pick:  “Hope Now” by Addison Road.  Yes, they are a “Christian” band, but this song isn’t overtly religious and it’s one of the only “Christian” songs I can listen to any more without grinding my teeth.  I’m sure you can come up with ideas of your own or Google some.

Week 2: PEACE

Things to discuss:

  • What is peace?
  • How can we be peaceful in our home?
  • How can we encourage peace in school/work?
  • Where in the world needs peace? (pray here, if you’d like)  Use globe or map to talk about places in the world that are experiencing a lack of peace (Ukraine, Middle East, etc.)
  • How can we be peacemakers?

Song ideas I have for this are “Imagine” by John Lennon and “Let There Be Peace on Earth” (you know, and let it begin with me…)

Week 3: JOY

Things to discuss:

  • What does joy mean?  Are joy and happiness the same thing?
  • What makes you feel joyful?
  • Who are some people who might need joy in their lives? (pray?)
  • How can we bring joy to each other?  To others we encounter?

Song ideas:  Joy to the World (christmas carol!) and Joy to the World (3 Dog Night!)

Week 4: LOVE

Things to discuss:

  • What do you think love means?  Is it a feeling?  An action?  Both?
  • How does life look with/without love?
  • How can we show love to our family/to others?
  • Who might need some love? (pray)

Song ideas:  What The World Needs Now, Get Together (Youngbloods)

Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning

Again, if Jesus is not a part of your tradition, you could skip this entirely or do something else.  How would you culminate your weeks of Advent?  Would love to hear your ideas!

Light 5th candle for Jesus.  Read Christmas story.  Talk about how Jesus came to bring hope, peace, joy, love…NOT fear, conflict, sadness, hate (opposites!).  Talk about how this often gets distorted and not done well.  How we can change that in our lives, one day at a time, one person, one action at a time.  Maybe read a Bible verse that talks about hope, peace, etc.  (One with Jesus’ words??)

So.  Those are my very basic thoughts ideas…anyone else have anything??  Song ideas?  Concrete activities to make these words come to life?  (I’m thinking sending cards to sick kids in hospitals, buying mittens/socks/hats for the library mitten tree, donating toys to Toys for Tots, notes to servicemen overseas…there’s unlimited possibilities!)

Hopefully you’ll find something here worthwhile…may your Advent be full of light!!

I’ll keep ya posted on how it goes 🙂