I have this group of imaginary friends. They’re pretty amazing too. And I know a lot about them…I know their names, where they live, their families. There’s Jamie, and her husband The Beard and her uber-cool cat Knives. And Rachel and Dan and her escapades in Biblical Womanhood. Kristen and her stunning family, and gosh, she is SO smart. And Glennon, with Husband and Sister and her nutty, funny kids. There’s lots of others too…and they keep pointing me to other imaginary friends which is kind of cool of them, right? I could tell you lots about them, things they think and believe, even some things about their past and their fears and insecurities…which is pretty incredible for imaginary friends. For people I’ve never met. People I sometimes wonder if they’re really real because I read their words and I want so badly for them to be real, I want so badly for them to be sitting here in my living room, one of them…all of them, like those god-awful paintings of all the presidents hangin’ out shooting pool…just sitting here drinking wine, telling me yes, it’s fine, it’s ok, you’re ok, it’s all going to be ok the world is not ending.
Because I read their stories, their posts, and sometimes-ok, most times-it’s like reading something from my own thoughts. It makes me feel less crazy. It resonates with me on the deepest level. As I struggle with my faith, my world view, the church I have claimed as my own for the past 25 years, they have made me feel ok. They have made me feel like no, I’m not alone. Like there’s hope.
The People in my life, THE people, the real people, my people…the not imaginary people…they don’t really get it. They tell me to stop thinking so much, to stop worrying, stop questioning. To stop reading about things that make me upset. Because, you know, it’s just that easy. The Church-y people in my life are like “Just pray about it! Just read the Bible! It’s all right there in the Bible! The Bible just says everything you need to know and questions aren’t worth asking and besides it sounds like you’re coming to all the wrong conclusions.” And the Non-Church-y people in my life are like “Well, we’ve always thought the Church sucked anyway. What took you so long?” And somehow neither of those seems fully right or true in my gut but the only people that say things that do seem true seem like imaginary people because I have never actually seen them in person I’ve just read their words.
The past few days with this whole World Vision bullshit has got me feeling like the world is imploding around me. I just want to give up on Christianity. Toss my label, my allegiance. Not to God, not to Jesus, but to the Church. Can you believe in God and Jesus and refuse to call yourself a Christian? Then I read the words of oh, Jen Hatmaker, who sounds so wise and thoughtful, and I think, ok, if I can just get around some of these people then maybe I can still claim this faith. Maybe I can still hang here. And then I make the mistake of reading some of the comments which I should. not. do, and for every 10 positive, “Yes! This!” comments there are the nasty, the self-righteous, the snarly, biting, vicious, “You’re wrong and isn’t that sad for you because you’re not really listening to/following Jesus and he has no room for you, no grace for you” ragged teeth that just tear at the delicate line that had been anchoring me to what little faith I have left that Christianity is a faith worth following.
I feel like everything’s collapsing around me. But I keep reading. Because my imaginary friends are pretty amazing, and I’m pretty confident I’m not just making them up, and they keep writing things that give me hope, that make me want to be better, that speak to my heart, that tell me I’m not alone even though I feel. so. alone. And in spite of wanting to just say fuck it! I’m done! I think God just might be speaking to me through them. My imaginary friends. Maybe someday I’ll get to hug one of them or listen to one of them speak or something. That would be…well, that just might be heaven.