I’ve written some on here about friendships. They are something I think about a lot. I think I am fairly terrible at fostering them. I’m not too bad at making friends…I’ve already made a couple of new ones since we’ve moved actually. I’m just not so great at keeping them.
Well. That’s not entirely true.
But some of the most significant friendships in my life have gone by the wayside. It leaves me feeling pretty cut off from some of the most formative years of my life.
Some of it has to do with the fact that, since college, I have moved a lot. And moving tends to be rather detrimental to friendships. No matter how much you try, it is difficult to keep a friendship alive across many miles. It is just kind of a natural occurrence. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but it also makes the heart search for someone to hang out with on a Friday night to go to a movie. Or Tuesday morning for coffee. I’m pretty good at writing letters, real letters, but…most people aren’t. And letters and phone calls are pale substitutes for face to face contact with a friend.
But I can’t just blame it on constant moving and distance. No, there have definitely been some times when a particular situation, an over-archng circumstance, serves to burn those bridges faster than time and distance alone. While long distance tends to smolder along the lines that tether you to your friends, some actions are like a major conflagration that just sweeps everything up in its path, leaving you isolated on your patch of righteous self-absorption. There’s usually fault on both sides of the chasm, but in issues of friendship it seems we often paint ourselves with a rosier brush because it just makes us feel better. We break up with someone, we have a falling out, a disagreement, a failure to communicate, a radically different view of the same event.
I write this because it seems like-yet again-I have done this to myself. I’ll not go into the details because I just don’t care to and it really doesn’t matter. Moving has something to do with it, but circumstances have led to an all out severing of ties with people who were once intimate friends. I think its entirely one-sided (my own doing, that is) but that fact actually confirms some of my own suspicions. I’m 100% certain that I am not entirely in the right on this one…but I’m also 100% certain that I’m not entirely at fault either.
I just don’t know why this keeps happening to me. I feel like its some sort of weird cycle with me, like there’s something in me that is destined to cause my friendships to implode. I honestly think it was only a matter of time in this case, but I wonder if its me. If I’m just incapable of holding on to a friendship because of…hmm. No idea what would be the cause of that. I just feel like I have a trail of broken relationships behind me. Not all of my friendships mind you…but ones from pretty significant times in my life, and it almost makes me doubt that some of those things actually even occurred. Like there’s no one to bear witness to who and what I was at a given time. To bear witness to me, to be some sort of landmark. I don’t know, maybe this happens to everyone.
I don’t know what my point is here. I’m not sure I’m sad necessarily. I’m not lonely. I guess I just notice the holes, the gaps. And its not like new friends entirely fill in those gaps, they’re still there, you know? And I was noticing one today and just felt like putting this all down somewhere. So. There ya have it. The end.