So it’s almost 10:30 and I’m lying in bed with my brain going about a million miles an hour, which is pretty much what I’ve done every night for the last month and a half and hey now I have this awesome blog so I can get on here and bitch about why I can’t sleep.

They say “Be careful what you wish for!” and I am here to tell you that it’s the God’s Honest Truth.

Anyone who knows me, and I mean ANYone, who knows me even the slightest bit, knows that for the past, oh, 7 years, I have been “wishing” for the opportunity for our family to get back to the east coast.  Potential jobs for Bill have come and gone, there were even times we thought, shoot, should we just up and go, job or not?  (DUMB but still…at least we didn’t actually do it.)  Even as recently as July, I was flopped across my bed at my in-laws house thinking “God, really.  Is it SO much to ask to just get us back here?  Please??”

And then we get back to Wyoming.  And we have a crazy week where we get a dog and the dog makes my son crazy sick and right smack in the middle of restraining a screaming kid for bloodwork and comforting a crying daughter who’s only desire in life is to have a dog that we now have to get rid of because her brother’s allergic to it…comes the out of the blue job offer.

And yet…it wasn’t like “Hey, here’s your dream job Bill!  Want it?” or “Hey, here’s an insane amount of money if you’ll take this job!” No, it wasn’t as clear cut as that.  Frankly, the only real draw was that it was back east.  Specifically, in Baltimore.  Honestly the decision to take the job was kind of like Bill and I standing on a cliff looking down at some really murky, muddy water while kids were having asthma attacks and crying all around us and deciding to plug our noses, hold hands, and jump in.

And let me tell you I feel like my life has been Shit City ever since.  That’s right. Shit. City.

First we had to put our house on the market.  Which is a totally confusing maze of legal bullshit that I can’t believe anyone in their right minds actually understands.  I stressed out for like 2 weeks about making the house look just so for the scads of people that would come to see it.  Or like the 3 people that came to see it.  As weeks have gone by and NOT A SOUL has even inquired about our house, I’ve stopped caring.  I don’t pick up every little thing lying around anymore, I don’t bother to make sure the counter’s wiped off before heading out the door.  In fact, the house is kind of a disaster, in my opinion.  Some things are packed, there’s random piles of boxes all over, things shoved in drawers and under beds, walls half decorated and pretty much everything that made the house “ours” put away somewhere so its just kind of a random, half empty shell.  Then HEY we got an offer on our house from our friends–awesome–except they have to sell their house–NOT awesome.  It feels like we now have to sell TWO houses.  And they’re going through the same phenomenon that we did–interest those first couple days and since then?  Nada.  I drive around town and honest to God its like when you’re pregnant or trying to get pregnant and all you see are pregnant ladies everywhere.  It seems like every friggin’ block in town has two or three houses for sale that have been for sale for A. LONG. TIME.  I’m pretty much convinced that our house just isn’t going to sell.  Ever.  And then well I don’t know what.

I’m tired of looking up houses online in Maryland.  Tired of finding a cute house that is HEY just .30 miles from THE CRAPPIEST SCHOOL EVER.  Which there are a plethora of in Maryland, trust me.  Or a really cute house that WE COULDN’T AFFORD IN TWO LIFETIMES.  Again, plenty of those in MD.  Or finding a house in a good neighborhood, good school district, and then seeing it disappear in 2 days because we’re not in a position to do anything about it.  I’m tired of thinking about what school the kids might go to or where I can get a part time job because at this point there’s not a damn thing I can do about ANY of it.  I’m just ready for Bill to get there and start looking and he can just say “Hey I found a house” and I can say “Great, when can we move in?”

And moving estimates??  Gag city.  I’m ready to just dump all our stuff in the alley and start fresh.  It can’t be much more expensive, right?  And it’s just STUFF.  I may just start leaving the doors unlocked and hell, open, and maybe someone will just come in and clean us out and do me a favor.

I’m like living in this la-la limbo land where I’m not really here and not really there.  My friends have all given up on me because what’s the point in investing your time in someone who is already halfway out the door.  I can’t say that I blame them.  I gave up my position on the Board of Directors at the kids’ school so they could get someone in there right away and keep things flowing smoothly but who knows, I may never leave this place, so maybe I should’ve just stayed and given myself something to DO besides troll real estate websites and Greatschools.org.  The kids want to do these activities but I’m not sure how long we’ll be there but God we all need SOMEthing to DO so I sign them up knowing very well I may be pissing $50 down the drain but maybe I won’t because well, at this point we’re not going anywhere anytime soon.

I’m tired of smiling and saying how excited I am to finally be moving back to Maryland.  Because right now I’m not excited.  Right now I’m grouchy and testy and it makes me impatient with the kids and impatient with Bill, who’s leaving in like 5 days and I’m all bitchy with him because he wants to tailgate for 8 hours on Saturday which WHO CARES he’s spent the last 7 years working his ass off on football Saturdays so why not but it sounds like a drag to me and so I complain about it and it’s like all my pettiness and horribleness are being blasted to the surface and flung in my face.

And to top it off I’m reading another book about effing Africa which makes me hate myself and my privileged life and feel like a totally worthless human being.

I feel like yeah, I got my wish.  But it feels like God is like the Genie and I just used my last wish and because I’m finally “Getting what I always wanted!” I should just suck it up and take all the crap that comes with it because I ain’t getting anymore gifts.  No one wants to hear you complain about getting what you want, especially when they all knew that this was what you wanted.

Can you say feeling ALONE??

I guess I’ll go toss and turn some more. Peace out.

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